Paralyzed and Dope Sick

Sorry for not posting lately, a lot has happened. I changed meds, had the worst nightmares of my life, experienced sleep paralysis, went through benzo withdrawl, traveled to El Paso, Texas, met my new nephew, went through all my journals from my twenties and when I got sick and took control over my own recovery.

So, a lot to cover.

I spoke up for myself when meeting with my new doctor. Usually, I'll just check in and do what they say/take the meds they prescribe. But this time I felt strong. I asked for the med changes I wanted to see and explained that I felt over medicated and would like to reduce my Geodon. It worked. My dosage has been cut in half. I can't describe the pride I felt. I was no longer just the patient. I was my own advocate and had made changes to my treatment all by speaking up. I can't recommend it enough. Speak up for yourself. Tell them what you need and don't need. Take charge.

With the new med changes, I was prescribed a new medicine for sleep. Tamazepam. It was horrible. I slept maybe two hours a night due to debilitating nightmares. One night I even experienced sleep paralysis which is terrifying and feels like you are actually losing your mind or on psychadelic drugs. So, i decided to stop taking it. I didn't consider any withdrawl effects because I hadnt been taking it for to long. I was wrong. First it was nausea. Nonstop. I was chewing tums and drinking Pepto Bismal like they were the key to world peace. This went on for days. I assumed it was due to the decrease in Geodon and that it would pass as my levels evened out. Being sick to your stomach nonstop for a long period of time really beats you down. I was miserable and felt so weak. The pride I had felt at taking charge of my medicine quickly deteriorated and I feared I'd never be able to come off my antipsychotics if this was the result. My nausea led to the shakes and an all over ache that tensed me from head to toe.
Finally, upon seeing my therapist all I could do was cry. She sent me to see my doctor. Looking me over and hearing I had stopped taking the Tamazepam, he explained I was going through benzo withdrawal. Which can be deadly. He took my blood pressure, asked if I had had a seizure because it was so high and proceeded to write me a prescription for Klonopin and insisted that I get it filled immediately.
It has made all the difference. Yet, what I didnt want was to add another med to my regimen, so I will safely taper off the klonopin in time.

During all this, my sister had a baby. This brought up a lot of feelings that I can go into another time.
I also visited El Paso to see my husband's family.

I also went through all my old journals from my twenties. Tracing my sickness from when it first reared its head to when the shit all hit the fan.

I learned a lot reading over those. Maybe I'll share in a future post.

So, I apologize for the delay in posts. Things were happening. Good and bad. I was living. That is the most important thing.