Birthday and Accidents

I'm safe after not sleeping again the other night. Thats twice last week I didnt sleep. Really looking forward to seeing the doctor and hopefully getting a new med to try to help me with sleeping. The second day without sleep wasn't as depressing as the first 'Electric' day went. I had Adderol so that kept me functioning on auto pilot for the most part. A lot of thinking and talking openly with others where I may not otherwise. A lot of questions were asked. I read alot.

A lot of mental health blogs and suicide survivor stories. Live Through This is a great project. I'm still going through the stories myself. It's been edited to not be so triggering but I'd tread carefully if you are easily triggered. I'm not, so I read without caution. Also came across a 'game' called Depression Quest that is like a choose your own ending story where you are living the life of a depressed individual. I got a little bored so I stopped but Ill revisit just because Id like to see how it ends.

I also got into an accident with my car twice this week. First while sending an email in the car, I rear ended the lady in front of me. Bound to happen, I know. Lesson learned. No email while driving.
Second, I go to reverse in the driveway and drive right into my dad's car leaving a nice long streak of white paint down the side of his car. I thought I had gotten off lucky with the first accident cause I had no damage, but I guess it was just meant to be since I really fucked it the second go round.

I guess what should have been most important this week was my birthday. October 10th. 29. I guess I mostly feel accomplished on birthdays as I get older. Since I've been young, I've always thought Id die an early death. Not necessarily by my own hands, but Id die in some way. Hasn't happen yet, so I feel proud. Strong that I haven't let the darkness win. Like a fighter.
These are feelings of a good day I guess.
There's also those days when its just enough. On those days I say ' Ive had enough' out loud quite often. To myself and to others. Those days Im done. Fighting is just old news and all I can focus on is the how long everything seems. To fight FOREVER. Every day until I die. Just fighting. It feels like so much. Like so much work for so little pay off. I'd like to know if all my fighting will be worth it in the end. Yet I cant know the answer to that unless I make it to the end.
I get frustrated.
I'm safe now. My meds seem to have me regulated. I don't feel depressed most days. Though I do feel it is still with me, like a scum I can't quite wash off. It kisses everything around me and within me. Like all experiences and feelings go through this slick of depression first. Nothing is shiny and new, its all been tainted.
I dont not enjoy things. Double negative. But i cant say I completely do enjoy things either.
It's an overwhelmingly boring in between.
When Im depressed, theres so much more going on. Emotions are flared, I feel things deeper.
Now, in this state, things are just meh. Boring.

That's why I take the Adderol usually. It makes me interested again. I can read a book and not feel like its a chore. I want to participate in life and experience the things. But mostly I want to be alone and read. Not isolating necessarily, but enjoying the constructive alone time. I savor the moments I feel truly alive. Drug induced or not.

I listen to this often. Never got into the Velvet Underground or Nico, but I relax during this song.