Paralyzed and Dope Sick

Sorry for not posting lately, a lot has happened. I changed meds, had the worst nightmares of my life, experienced sleep paralysis, went through benzo withdrawl, traveled to El Paso, Texas, met my new nephew, went through all my journals from my twenties and when I got sick and took control over my own recovery.

So, a lot to cover.

I spoke up for myself when meeting with my new doctor. Usually, I'll just check in and do what they say/take the meds they prescribe. But this time I felt strong. I asked for the med changes I wanted to see and explained that I felt over medicated and would like to reduce my Geodon. It worked. My dosage has been cut in half. I can't describe the pride I felt. I was no longer just the patient. I was my own advocate and had made changes to my treatment all by speaking up. I can't recommend it enough. Speak up for yourself. Tell them what you need and don't need. Take charge.

With the new med changes, I was prescribed a new medicine for sleep. Tamazepam. It was horrible. I slept maybe two hours a night due to debilitating nightmares. One night I even experienced sleep paralysis which is terrifying and feels like you are actually losing your mind or on psychadelic drugs. So, i decided to stop taking it. I didn't consider any withdrawl effects because I hadnt been taking it for to long. I was wrong. First it was nausea. Nonstop. I was chewing tums and drinking Pepto Bismal like they were the key to world peace. This went on for days. I assumed it was due to the decrease in Geodon and that it would pass as my levels evened out. Being sick to your stomach nonstop for a long period of time really beats you down. I was miserable and felt so weak. The pride I had felt at taking charge of my medicine quickly deteriorated and I feared I'd never be able to come off my antipsychotics if this was the result. My nausea led to the shakes and an all over ache that tensed me from head to toe.
Finally, upon seeing my therapist all I could do was cry. She sent me to see my doctor. Looking me over and hearing I had stopped taking the Tamazepam, he explained I was going through benzo withdrawal. Which can be deadly. He took my blood pressure, asked if I had had a seizure because it was so high and proceeded to write me a prescription for Klonopin and insisted that I get it filled immediately.
It has made all the difference. Yet, what I didnt want was to add another med to my regimen, so I will safely taper off the klonopin in time.

During all this, my sister had a baby. This brought up a lot of feelings that I can go into another time.
I also visited El Paso to see my husband's family.

I also went through all my old journals from my twenties. Tracing my sickness from when it first reared its head to when the shit all hit the fan.

I learned a lot reading over those. Maybe I'll share in a future post.

So, I apologize for the delay in posts. Things were happening. Good and bad. I was living. That is the most important thing.

Peanut Butter and a poem

I just sat and listened to two ladies discuss peanut butter for a good fifteen minutes. All I could think about was how nice life must be if you find so much pleasure in discussing a condiment.
I was out listening because I actually had lunch with a friend today. Yup, I got out of the house and socialized. I don't feel tremendously better, but it did help distract me and I wasn't anxious at all. Except that she was about 15 minutes late and I started to worry she might not even come.
I've decided to attend a NAMI support group at my local mental health clinic. They meet weekly so it could be a good reason to get out and do something. I'll update on how it goes after Wednesday.

I started a playlist of songs I can end each post with so that's exciting. Music is so helpful. Just riding in the car with my music loud makes me in such a better mood. I suggest spending more time listening to music if you don't already.
I also started looking at poems to include here and there just because I like poetry. If you don't, sorry folks.
Here's the first one, a favorite of mine.

Splash

the illusion is that you are simply
reading this poem.
the reality is that this is
more than a
poem.
this is a beggar's knife.
this is a tulip.
this is a soldier marching
through Madrid.
his is you on your
death bed.
this is Li Po laughing
underground.
this is not a god-damned
poem.
this is a horse asleep.
a butterfly in
your brain.
this is the devil's
circus.
you are not reading this
on a page.
the page is reading
you.
feel it?
it's like a cobra. it's a hungry eagle circling the room.

this is not a poem. poems are dull,
they make you sleep.

these words force you
to a new
madness.

you have been blessed, you have been pushed into a
blinding area of
light.

the elephant dreams
with you
now.
the curve of space
bends and
laughs.

you can die now.
you can die now as
people were meant to
die:
great,
victorious,
hearing the music,
being the music,
roaring,
roaring,
roaring. 

Charles Bukowski

Volunteering

I have been on disability almost two years now.
I have attempted to work twice? since starting. It didnt work out either time.
Last year, when I started to feel a little less depressed than I had been, I started to notice a little cabin fever going on. Don't get me wrong, I can spend weeks in bed watching Law and Order SVU, but I got to the point where that wasn't doing much for me. Not showering, eating and drinking in bed, leaving to only go to the bathroom..it all was making me worse. On a clear day, I noticed this and started thinking on what I could do to make myself feel a little more productive.
Something other than getting a job and having to commit to 30 or 40 hours a week and a schedule I can't control.
I thought about my interests. The interests I have on good days, when I find anything interesting.
I googled organizations and clubs in my area that had to do with said interests.
I found Reading Partners, an organization that works with elementary school children on their reading.
I started volunteering twice a week with them for 45 minute sessions.

This has made all the difference.
Feeling accomplished and successful at something made me feel much better.
On the days I volunteered, my mood would be better.
I won't lie, there's days I just can't go. I can't see myself out of the bed. On those days, I accept things and stay home.
It happens.
But I can't recommend enough the duty of volunteering.

I'm not completely broken down. I can still be involved in life. Everything is not just passing me by.

A good ride in the car. Time to listen to the radio. Reading with a child for 45 minutes.
This makes a day brighten.

Go out and volunteer. It helps.


And always on a good day...

Birthday and Accidents

I'm safe after not sleeping again the other night. Thats twice last week I didnt sleep. Really looking forward to seeing the doctor and hopefully getting a new med to try to help me with sleeping. The second day without sleep wasn't as depressing as the first 'Electric' day went. I had Adderol so that kept me functioning on auto pilot for the most part. A lot of thinking and talking openly with others where I may not otherwise. A lot of questions were asked. I read alot.

A lot of mental health blogs and suicide survivor stories. Live Through This is a great project. I'm still going through the stories myself. It's been edited to not be so triggering but I'd tread carefully if you are easily triggered. I'm not, so I read without caution. Also came across a 'game' called Depression Quest that is like a choose your own ending story where you are living the life of a depressed individual. I got a little bored so I stopped but Ill revisit just because Id like to see how it ends.

I also got into an accident with my car twice this week. First while sending an email in the car, I rear ended the lady in front of me. Bound to happen, I know. Lesson learned. No email while driving.
Second, I go to reverse in the driveway and drive right into my dad's car leaving a nice long streak of white paint down the side of his car. I thought I had gotten off lucky with the first accident cause I had no damage, but I guess it was just meant to be since I really fucked it the second go round.

I guess what should have been most important this week was my birthday. October 10th. 29. I guess I mostly feel accomplished on birthdays as I get older. Since I've been young, I've always thought Id die an early death. Not necessarily by my own hands, but Id die in some way. Hasn't happen yet, so I feel proud. Strong that I haven't let the darkness win. Like a fighter.
These are feelings of a good day I guess.
There's also those days when its just enough. On those days I say ' Ive had enough' out loud quite often. To myself and to others. Those days Im done. Fighting is just old news and all I can focus on is the how long everything seems. To fight FOREVER. Every day until I die. Just fighting. It feels like so much. Like so much work for so little pay off. I'd like to know if all my fighting will be worth it in the end. Yet I cant know the answer to that unless I make it to the end.
I get frustrated.
I'm safe now. My meds seem to have me regulated. I don't feel depressed most days. Though I do feel it is still with me, like a scum I can't quite wash off. It kisses everything around me and within me. Like all experiences and feelings go through this slick of depression first. Nothing is shiny and new, its all been tainted.
I dont not enjoy things. Double negative. But i cant say I completely do enjoy things either.
It's an overwhelmingly boring in between.
When Im depressed, theres so much more going on. Emotions are flared, I feel things deeper.
Now, in this state, things are just meh. Boring.

That's why I take the Adderol usually. It makes me interested again. I can read a book and not feel like its a chore. I want to participate in life and experience the things. But mostly I want to be alone and read. Not isolating necessarily, but enjoying the constructive alone time. I savor the moments I feel truly alive. Drug induced or not.

I listen to this often. Never got into the Velvet Underground or Nico, but I relax during this song.